Don't let your kids or your career eat your marriage

Let me start by saying I'm not a licensed marriage counselor. I have a very small amount of counseling training (most of which I've forgotten) so I HOPE what I'm sharing will help you out.

I have, however, been married for almost 30 years if that gives any backbone to what I'm saying.

Marital bliss? Ha! No.
Is it perfect? Are you kidding me?
All romance? I have 6 kids. I homeschooled them. They have been with me 24/7/365 for almost all of that 30 years. You figure it out.

Marriage is not that easy nor is it supposed to be. You, a flawed human being, have attached yourself to another flawed human being. And then you proceed to create or adopt a bunch of smaller flawed human beings who can be downright feral at times.

It's messy.

It's also awesome if you work at it. It can be the best thing on earth. But work you must.

Here are 2 things that have made an enormous difference in our marriage.

The marriage mirror --

We all have mirrors. We walk around with them. Ladies, we do this more than the guys do. We're always checking ourselves out. Is the hair a mess? Is my makeup running? Do my sox match? Is my shirt on backwards/inside out? These are more mom questions than dad questions. Can't tell you how many times I left the house with something turned around. But we also use these mirrors to talk to ourselves. It's super important to have a good self-image. To look in that mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful or handsome, worth it, and productive is important. We also need to know where we need to improve. Here's the question -- when you hold that mirror, your mirror that you just gave yourself a bunch of compliments in front of, up to your spouse, what do you see? Do you see more flaws than perfections? It's super easy to look at the person you live with, day in and day out and focus on the fact that they didn't help you out around the house. They're still carrying around that extra 10 pounds they promised they would lose. They handle the kids differently than you do.
But what if you stopped that train and replaced all of that with what they're doing RIGHT?

Here's an example from my own life.

Because the love of my life has struggled with some injuries, he hasn't been able to exercise consistently. He also works 9+ hrs a day and helps me out when he can. Admittedly, he's not in tip-top shape right now. I, on the other hand, am in the best shape of my life. Now, I could easily judge him and be frustrated about all this. I could turn my mirror on him and point out all the flaws. But then I remember -- after I was finished having babies, I weighed in at 235. I'm not a very big person so for me that was grossly overweight. But he never said anything about it. He kept telling me I was beautiful despite the fact that I knew I looked like the Michelin tire-woman. He's also done this continuously for all 30 yrs. So, rather than nag, or let this upset me, I do the same for him. The more I say it, the more I believe it. I really do have the best looking, sexiest husband on earth.

So what do you see? When you turn the mirror on your spouse, do you only see the bad things? It's easy to do. Believe me, I know. Time to stop that destructive pattern. Sit down and make a list of what they do to love you. When you are tempted to say something nasty, replace it with something on that list. It won't take long before you see them in a whole new light.

Point two. Don't stop dating!!

"You two still date? That's so cute!"
No. It's not. It's absolutely vital to keeping our relationship alive.

"Don't marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without."

Awww...sounds so sweet, doesn't it? All romantic and mushy.
But it's only half true. You have to have both.
I can't imagine my life without Jay. But I also have to live with him and he has to live with me. Every day, day in, day out.

That gushy romantic feeling will come and go. It takes real work to keep it alive.  But, what about the nit-picky, gross stuff? Does he have bad breath when he wakes up? Do you leave a hair monster in the shower? Does he rinse his dishes after he eats? Is your beautifying mess all over the bathroom?
Can you live with all of that?

What does this have to do with dating, for crying out loud??

Well, most of us started our relationships this way. There was communication. It's where you were figuring each other out. Trying to decide if you could live with this person for the rest of your life.

Now you're together all the time. So why is it important?

Most of us married people have at least a couple of rug rats or careers. It would be super easy to throw ourselves into their lives or let our jobs consume us and forget about the other person. Sometimes, it might be necessary. But it shouldn't be the norm. The cold hard truth is, we're raising them to leave us and we will retire. At least that should be the goal. Look, I'm not one of these moms who weeps over the fact that my kids will move out. I'm counting the days! Jay and I, hopefully, raised them to be self-sufficient, independent adults who will be movers and shakers. I WANT them to go, make lives for themselves and be productive.

Continuing to date your spouse is insurance that you can keep living together after the kids are gone or retirement comes and it's just you two.  When the last kid moves out, you don't want to sit across the table from the person you love and discover that you don't LIKE them too. Setting time aside once a week or once every couple of weeks to just be together is absolutely necessary.
Now I'm not talking about fancy expensive dinners or even romantic evenings with flowers. That's nice sometimes but not always practical. Sometimes our date nights are just running errands, getting a beer, or walking on the beach. Sometimes we check into a hotel room and come back the next morning. Sometimes we fight. But the point is, this is where the communication happens. This is where we're just us with no kids and jobs. This is where we discover that, yes, we do like each other. Even though we might continue to change as people, I know that we'll be fine. Better than fine. I REALLY like this guy I live with.

Look, I have no idea where you are in your marriage journey. Maybe you're newlyweds. Maybe you have a couple of little ones and even getting clean is a challenge. Maybe you have a houseful of teens and it's just constant drama. Or maybe you're an old married couple like us and you're just trying to get them OUT of your house. Whatever season you're in, your spouse should always be your #1 priority. Why? The kids will leave. Your career will end. You committed to your significant other first. You're not going to hurt your kids by working on your marriage. As a matter of fact, you'll be helping them. They will feel more secure and loved knowing Mom and Dad are completely committed to the very end.