Two weeks ago today, my mother passed away. I would be lying if I said it was a shock despite her young age. She was 67 but had been actively killing herself with prescription drugs and alcohol for years. Actually, she had been doing this as far back as I can remember. I had mourned her so many times, when she finally died, I just felt a peace about it. It sounds cold and unfeeling but you can only mourn for so long.
Whenever we lose someone, whether it's someone close or not, we always learn something. Maybe it's just a reminder that we are all mortal and our time could come at anytime. But sometimes there are deeper lessons to be learned.
Here's just a few reflections from my experience:
1. Don't waste your life. Don't actively destroy your own life or the lives of those around you by running from your past or your pain.
2. Always be you. There's lots of touchy, feely stuff out there about "embracing who you are". But the people around you need to see not only the beautiful but the awful. Don't hide the bad parts. Just work on not repeating those mistakes. We grow when we are stretched and hurting. Just like a good, hard workout will make you sore, you won't get stronger unless you work through the pain.
3. Be yourself in front of your kids. When your time finally comes, don't leave them wondering who you were. Always be real with your family. If you aren't truthful with your family, they will find out when you're gone. It only adds to the mourning and makes things even more difficult for them.
4. Don't look for and easy fix to whatever is painful. Those easy fixes are often the most dangerous and addictive. Life isn't pain free and we shouldn't try to live that way. You're not getting rid of the pain. It will still be there until you face it head on. I've tried it. It nearly destroyed my marriage and my relationships with my kids. It did destroy my relationship with my mother. Just don't do it. It's not worth it.
5. It's OK to reject your parents mistakes. Believe me, they want you to. As parents we all try our best. We should all be encouraging our kids not to make the same mistakes we did. It doesn't make us failures as parents. It means were all fallible human beings. We mess up. It's all part of the process. Make mistakes in front of your kids then admit them. Denying them won't work. They'll see right through that. Besides all you teach them by denying is that it's OK to hide things, never apologize, and never be humble.
The important thing is that when we lose someone, we hang on to whatever we've learned. We will learn things about that person and things will be revealed in ourselves. What will we do with our new knowledge? Will we forget what we learned when things go back to "normal"? Or will we apply it and make changes in our own lives so that people remember us well when we're gone?
I'll miss my mom but I never really knew her. That's sad. It's left me feeling a little lost and confused. I wish things could have been different between us. But I can't change it now. All I can do is apply what I've learned and do my very best to make things better with my husband and kids. I'll try to learn the hard lessons that came with her passing.
Here's to a better future.
