Saturday, June 13, 2020

Don't These Black Lives Matter?

Two women pray in Louisville, Kentucky near the intersection where David McAtee was killed on Sunday evening [Darron Cummings/AP Photo]

In the midst of all the looting and rioting, I was seeking to clarify my thoughts about the issues black people face in America. There are a number of things going on all related to the unnecessary and tragic death of George Floyd but for this little essay, I wanted to focus on the phrase “black lives matter” and the organization “Black Lives Matter”.

I am a science and data-oriented person, but I also want to know personal stories of people affected by the current chaos. While I can feel deeply for people as individuals and in groups, I want to know the truth as clearly as possible so I generally don’t let feelings determine my actions even when I do let them spur me on to investigating an issue and responding to what I find.  So, this is what I know so far and what I think about it.

To set the stage, here is some common ground we all should have:

·         George Floyd should not be dead today. He was killed by police while handcuffed and held on the ground by an officer placing his knee on Floyd’s neck.  While we don’t know the motivation of the officer, we can see that the officer murdered George Floyd. That officer and the other three who watched should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. It was horrible and should not be tolerated in our society.

·         Black lives matter. ALL black lives matter. I am not diminishing this point by saying “all lives matter,” but that is a different subject. Here I am saying that ALL black lives matter.

·         Peaceful protest is a right protected for ALL of us. Following the killing of George Floyd, most protesters wanted to peacefully express their legitimate grievances. Unfortunately, a small number of troublemakers and looters led to violence. These reveal three groups: the peaceful protestors, opportunistic looters, and rioters.

·         Police reform is necessary. The police have been given increased power over the years including military hardware due to the Homeland Security bill(s). In most cases, the police have been responsible and have served the people, but there are always a few that are bad. Police are people, after all. The problem lies in that bad police are difficult to get rid of due to multiple reasons, not just unions.

·         Police Reform at the federal level is not necessary and should not be desired by anyone as it will give the federal government and federal bureaucracy control over police nationwide. This seems to be the opposite of what we all need.


If You Are Going to Get Through This Essay…

If you are going to get through this essay, you will need to get through the next two sections without deciding ahead of time, before seeing any evidence, that the conclusion is wrong. If you don’t at least read the whole thing, your knowledge of the facts will be limited. You may disagree with my conclusion AFTER reading to the end. At least that is an attempt to be honest with yourself. So let’s proceed.

Cognitive Dissonance

If I say “black lives matter” and then I say I do not support the organization “Black Lives Matter”, what is your initial reaction. Will you reject the fact that I started by saying “black lives matter”? Does something clench up inside you? If so, you are experiencing something called cognitive dissonance. That is a normal thing in human beings, but you should all learn to get past that reaction so we can hear other’s viewpoints and look at evidence offered, otherwise you will stay stuck where you are and will not grow in knowledge. Avoiding cognitive dissonance and thus avoiding other’s viewpoints keeps us comfortable and keeps us stuck in an echo chamber of our own ideas or those fed to us, some of which may be incorrect. Cognitive dissonance is not a bad thing since it warns us about ideas that are so different, we need to take a close look at them.

Consider Nicolaus Copernicus. He was a mathematician and astronomer who proposed that the earth and other planets revolved around the sun. His idea was not perfect since he thought the sun was the center of the universe, but we certainly know that he was correct that the sun is the center of our solar system. There is a long history here [i], but generally his ideas were not accepted quickly. We have been taught that “the church” rejected the idea because it conflicted with the Bible, but consider that many other astronomers also rejected the idea because it was so different than what they already believed. Once Copernicus had gathered lots of data and his work was published, some after his death, astronomers and the church were convinced.

Until Copernicus had made his observations and published the data, there was no proof that the sun was the center of the solar system, so scientists were reluctant to agree. So cognitive dissonance is the warning mechanism we all have but we should be open to the evidence that may disagree with our current beliefs.

This is just one example but we have all felt this. Have someone tell you something that you disagree with and see how you feel. It is not a bad thing, but it does tell you that you might be holding on to a belief too tightly and that you should examine all the evidence. 

Here is one for practice. I’ll give you two statements contradictory statements, one of which you will mostly agree with and one that you won’t agree with. How you react to the statements will reveal how you feel.

  1. Donald Trump is not a racist and has been a great president who has helped black Americans.
  2. Donald Trump is a racist and only tries to hurt black Americans.

Think about how you felt and which statement you agree with. Remember this is just practice before looking at whether Black Lives Matter wants to help black Americans or not. Our perception on those two statements has been fed to us by the media. After all, we don’t know Trump personally so everything we know about him has come from the news and other media.

If you examine the evidence, Donald Trump was generally loved by the media until he decided to run for president as a republican, when the media started labelling him as racist. So, is Donald Trump a racist or not? We don’t know! We only know what we have been told by the media. But we CAN go find actual evidence such as pictures and actions taken before and after Trump became president.  Since that is not the purpose of this essay, you can do that separately and make your own decision.

That may have been a hard section to get through, but if you made it this far, you’ll probably make to the end since you at least have an open mind. If you struggled with that, then you will struggle with the rest of this. You will want to ignore the evidence and keep believing a media narrative. You decide.

Truth

Next, you will need to grapple with the fact that multiple truth statements can exist at the same time. Many of these truths are expressed in Turning Point USA’s video “ALL Black Lives Matter” by Graham Allen. [ii]  

·         We can fully stand with peaceful protestors who want to bring about positive change.

·         There are racist people in America. We will stand with you to stop true racism.

·         America as a whole is not a racist country. The system itself is not racist but racists can abuse the system.

·         Looting, rioting, violence is not justice. It is not even protesting. Rioting and looting do nothing to further the cause of justice.

·         The entire world was united because of the death of George Floyd. We have an amazing opportunity to come to the table together and make positive change. In a matter of a few days some have attempted to burn that opportunity. Antifa attacks along with the media that profits from tragic stories are trying to make us believe that we are more divided than we really are.

·         The loss of an innocent life does not justify the loss of other innocent lives. One example is the death of David Dorn, a black retired police officer, who was shot to death in the street trying to stop looters from stealing TVs from a store.

·         If black lives truly matter, then it shouldn’t only matter to the black lives that 100% agree with your or fit your media narrative (in this case, that police officers are racist and the policing system is racist).  Just like equality, true equality applies to everyone, not just the people you agree with.

·         If all black lives don’t evoke the same level of justice and call for action as George Floyd, then “Black Lives Matter” is not a justice movement, it is a political movement. You cannot claim to want justice for everyone, then pick and choose who that justice belongs to.

·         There are bad people in every profession but 99 percent of police officers are good and treat people with respect no matter their skin color.

What about the organization Black Lives Matter?

Innocent black lives that been affected by looting and rioting. Consider this, do you see them as collateral damage to achieving the cause? Whoever does, is a hypocrite in the black lives matter movement.

Here is a small list of the deaths of innocent black Americans. Access the references to see pictures and short bios.

In Chicago, 18 people were killed on Sunday, May 31st making it the single most violent day in Chicago in six decades. There were others killed on the previous Friday and Saturday too. Those who died include:
Darius and Maurice Jelks[iii]
18 year old Teyonna Lofton
30 year old Danyal Jones
36 year old father of 2, Angelo Bronson
32 year old John Tiggs
18 year old Lazarra Daniels
18 year old Keishanay Bolden
You can see more including pictures here.[iv] Also here.[v]

In Louisville, Kentucky, David McAtee who was a 53-year-old African American man known for offering free meals to officers who stopped by his restaurant

In Oakland, California, David Patrick Underwood, a 53 year old black security officer killed in the riots[vi]

In St. Louis, Missouri, David Dorn, a 77 year old black retired police officer, a father of five[vii]

In Indianapolis, Indiana, 38 year old Chris Beaty, a former offensive lineman for Indiana University football team

In Davenport, Iowa, 22 year old Italia Kelly

You can search and find many more deaths of innocent black Americans due to violence during protests. Each of these has a story the ended too soon. This doesn’t even address those who were wounded, of which there are many.

Our hearts break also for those who lost businesses. We have been confronted by others who say “its just property, you shouldn’t care more for property than for people. Insurance will just replace it”  But we do care for people when we are heartbroken over the loss of their property. They work hard to make a living and often either don’t have insurance or their insurance doesn’t cover “civil unrest.” The business that they poured their hearts into to make successful is not just some property that can be replaced. It is an entity that serves their community and allows them the dignity of making their own way rather than being dependent. It is a cruel thing to say that their business should be destroyed because it is just property.

“Korboi Ball is a black firefighter who poured his life savings into a Minneapolis sports bar that was reduced to a pile of bricks. He has no insurance.” A Washington post article states “It’s not just the owners but their employees, too, whose lives have been devastated. After suffering the worst economic destruction since the Great Depression during the pandemic, which disproportionately affected African Americans, many had just returned to work — only to see the business that employed them destroyed. My heart breaks for Gina Robinson, a black woman in Chicago who posted this message on Twitter last week: “I’m so hurt. I’m barely surviving and not only did y’all burn my job (Walgreens) down but the grocery store in my neighborhood was looted for what. Now my mom can’t get her prescription or food. How was this ‘for us’?”[viii]  Think about that. Walgreens (or Target, Walmart, or CVS) doesn’t have to rebuild there if the people in the community feel free to treat a business that serves their own community and provides opportunities for their friends and neighbors. The rioters and looters are destroying their own community and their own opportunities.

What about Hussein Aloshani, an immigrant from Iraq who owns a deli.  A New York Times article stated “many store owners said they felt like the victims of misplaced aggression. They said their businesses, already ailing from an outbreak of the coronavirus that has been particularly devastating to small and minority-owned businesses, may not recover.”[ix]

There are more destroyed businesses than we can list here. Even where a business had some windows broken, the owner and employees are affected by the violence.

Non-police related homicides

As shown in the following figure from a study done by the Harvard Kennedy School,[x] the number of homicides of black Americans by black Americans has been between 40 and 50 percent for the last 25 years. While “blacks suffer much higher rates of personal violence and violent victimization than whites,” (the homicide rate for blacks was almost eight times higher than the rate for whites) “The vast majority of homicides are intraracial, with 84 percent of white victims killed by whites and 93 percent of black victims killed by blacks.”



While comprising about 13 percent of the American population, “black people have consistently accounted for close to half the country's homicide victims”[xi]  and the previous graph shows that most blacks die at the hand of other blacks. Young black men are killing each other at an alarming rate every year. Black males accounted for about 52% (or 6,800) of the nearly 13,000 male homicide
victims in 2005. Black females made up 35% (or 1,200) of the nearly 3,500 female homicide victims.

So in 2005, 8000 black men and women were murdered. Don’t all those black lives matter?  Where is Black Lives Matter? Every death is a tragedy, but they are consistently ignored. Why doesn’t Black Lives Matter get involved in figuring out solutions to the problem of black on black homicides? The causes are generally known, such as a lack of education in poor black communities. If Black Lives Matter cared about black lives, they would help black Americans be involved in their children’s education, which would decrease temptation to commit crime and increase the prosperity of the black population. But Black Lives Matter is generally silent about this problem and does nothing about it. Where are the protests that bring attention to the poor education for inner city blacks?

Abortion

Finally, what about abortions? I am not arguing about why women get an abortion nor am I condemning those women. No doubt they feel like they have no other options.

Aborted black babies account for 40% of abortions in the US.[xii]  In the Arizona Capitol Times, Walt Blackman, a member of the Arizona House of Representatives, wrote[xiii]

When you use those percentages, it indicates that of the over 44 million abortions since the 1973 Roe vs Wade Supreme Court ruling, 19 million black babies were aborted. African Americans are just under 13 percent of United States population.

White women are five times less likely to have an abortion than black women. Perhaps it is a matter of availability. A study by Protecting Black Lives, in 2012, found that 79 percent of Planned Parenthood’s surgical abortion facilities are located within walking distance of minority communities.

In the past, we criticized the tobacco industry for targeting young people with their advertising. Recently, the nicotine vape industry has been criticized for similar practices. The prevalence of abortion providers in African American and Hispanic neighborhoods indicates the abortion industry is targeting too. It smacks of the eugenics-linked past of Planned Parenthood founder Margaret Sanger and her views of contraception and abortion as ways of diminishing the black population.

And

According to the Guttmacher Institute, which generally supports abortion, in 2011 360,000 black babies were aborted. CDC statistics for 2011 show that 287,072 black deaths occurred from all other causes excluding abortion. By these numbers, abortion is the leading cause of death among blacks.

360,000 black babies aborted in a single year!

Black Lives Matter has been around since July 13, 2013, yet I have heard nothing about how the lives of
Three hundred and sixty thousand black babies matter. I suppose Stalin’s declaration that “one death is a tragedy, a million deaths a statistic”[xiv] is true in the case of black babies. I am not arguing about providing “health care” in the form of an abortion. I am stating the each one of those aborted babies is a black life that matters, but Black Lives Matter doesn’t want deal with all the dead babies since no one in politics or the media gets emotional about aborted babies. We all get emotional when a white police officer kills a black man and the situation must fit a certain narrative, one that gets black people angry. The number of blacks shot to death by police was 223 in 2017, 209 in 2018, 235 in 2019, and so far 88 in 2020.[xv] Those statistics do not distinguish between people who were resisting arrest or not, but according to a Washington Post database, in 2019 there were nine unarmed black people that were killed by police.[xvi] I want to be clear that each one of those deaths is tragic and I am not diminishing their lives whether they were innocent or not.

If black lives really mattered to Black Lives Matter, the deaths of so many caused by abortion, black on black violence, and the rioting and looting we see today, would certainly matter just as much.

Right!?!

A NYT Op-Ed

I read the NYT Opinion piece[xvii] written by Chad Sanders and there was one paragraph in his set of suggestions on how to make a real impact. I agree that sending “positive vibes”, “thoughts”, and similar communications are not at all helpful but I think that this one paragraph will not help Mr. Sanders’ cause and will likely injure it. The suggestion states that those who are already on board with the BLM cause
should send

Texts: To your relatives and loved ones telling them you will not be visiting them or answering phone calls until they take significant action in supporting black lives either through protest or financial contributions.

An action that holds your family or other significant relationships hostage to some action is manipulation and will cause many to push away from supporting the cause. People find manipulation repugnant. No one likes being punished into some sort of “re-education”.

I know some who have already done this and while it may shock family into doing something, there will be great damage to the relationship. Why destroy families even more when there is a better way? Clear communication is much better for those family members that are open to listening, even if it takes a few tries. Often, both sides learn something about the other that bring them closer. I have experienced this in the past with my son-in-law when we had a discussion about our different perspectives on the term “white privilege”. We understood each other a bit more.

Don’t misunderstand me here. Mr. Sanders’ article was insightful and well written. It helped me understand a little more just like my conversation with my son-in-law. So, if a family member is trying to understand, cutting off communication is one of the worst ways to bring about change. As it affects me, I feel like I am being pushed to take action when I don’t have the full picture and I feel like I am being pushed to think a certain way to satisfy the cause or the ideology. I would rather have the conversations necessary to understand and then take action with a clear understanding of what I am giving my life to.

Conclusion

Getting back to the original question. Do black lives matter? We can state conclusively that every black life matters, absolutely.

But should I support the organization “Black Lives Matter”? For myself, I do not find evidence that the organization is worthy of support, not even support from the black people they claim to speak for.

The evidence is clear that only those black lives that further the narrative and increase the power of the organization are the lives that matter. George Floyd was murdered by a policeman with three others complicit in that murder. I can fully support the peaceful protests being held in show our politicians that something needs to change in the way policing is done. Reform is needed and it will take many ideas and many voices to reach a solution. At the very least, bad cops should not be immune from prosecution for wrongs they do. Bad cops should be weeded out before they wrongly kill anyone while good cops should be encouraged and protected.

If Black Lives Matter really cared about black lives, then they would also focus on all the other black lives that are lost. They would seek to find the root causes of all the lost black lives and fix the real problems. Blaming everything on the police and racism is the easy way out. A black man killed by police is an easy way to gain public sentiment and get everyone fired up for the cause. When policing is reformed some black lives will be saved and that is good, but if Black Lives Matter really cared about black lives, why are they only vocal for those killed by police when that number is so small compared to the number of black lives lost due to other causes?

A Few Thoughts About a Solution

A concept called the “success sequence”, if followed, greatly increases your probability of success in life, including financial success. The success sequence is simple, get at least a high school degree, start working full-time, and get married before having any children, in that order.  The report can be found here: https://www.aei.org/research-products/working-paper/millennials-and-the-success-sequence-how-do-education-work-and-marriage-affect-poverty-and-financial-success-among-millennials/.

While this version of the study is related to “millennials”, the concept applies to all young people in general. According to the study, people who get married before having children have a 95% success rate and are not poor, while those who had children first have a 72% chance of being poor. Even in low-income families, those who married before having children have a 71% chance of escaping poverty while those who had children first only have a 41% chance.

If Black Lives Matter cared about black lives, they would bring to our attention all those black lives that must deal with living in poverty and being tempted to enter a life of crime all due to lack of opportunities to get a good education. They would focus their ire on those who control the terrible education low income areas receive.

That is the harder solution of course, but people banding together to bring about change is a powerful force. Currently, Black Lives Matter only focuses on political gains and uses the power of the movement for its own gain. Black Lives Matter should prove they care about ALL black lives and use the power they have been given by everyone who supports them to bring about real change at the root. In my worldview, I want everyone to succeed and have a good life. I mean everyone. Skin color is not a factor at all in a human being’s potential. A good education free of social propaganda is a significant factor and would go a long way toward saving the lives of all those black people. Reforming under-performing schools is possible if parents work with those schools in their districts. It is difficult and takes time, so perhaps Black Lives Matter could provide guidance and support and even represent a group of parents one city at a time.

The lost potential for our society is tremendous when the focus is on only one cause of black deaths, such as the police, instead of all the causes of black deaths. Take a look at the book Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race by Margot Lee Shetterly, or watch the movie, and think about how many mathematicians like Dorothy Vaughan, Mary Jackson, Katherine Johnson, and Christine Darden are lost every year. How many generals like Colin Powell, entrepreneurs like Oprah Winfrey and Daymond John, and neurosurgeons like Ben Carson are lost?

What about these revolutionary black lawyers?[xviii]

·         Macon Bolling Allen, First African American Lawyer & Judge, born in 1816
·         Charlotte E. Ray, First Female African American Lawyer, pass the bar in 1872
·         Jane Bolin, First Female African American Judge, sworn in 1939
·         Thurgood Marshall, First African American Supreme Court Justice, appointed in 1967
·         Barack Obama, First African American President of the United States, 2008

With 19 million black babies aborted since 1973, plus all of the tragic deaths by all other causes every year, how much human potential has been lost?

Shouldn’t Black Lives Matter care about that? Shouldn’t we all?

If Black Live Matter doesn’t care about ALL black lives, then you should not support them.





[i] Sheila Rabin, “Nicolaus Copernicus”, Last modified 09/13/19, https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/copernicus/
[ii] Graham Allen/Turning Point USA, accessed 06/12/2020, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51tgkrCXZvc
[iii] Matthew Hendrickson, “After brother, cousin killed, Canadian man laments: Third-world countries are safer than Chicago”, Chicago Sun Times, 06/08/2020, https://chicago.suntimes.com/crime/2020/6/8/21282805/chicago-murders-darius-maurice-dionte-jelks-englewood-canada
[iv] Tom Schuba, Sam Charles, and Matthew Hendrickson, “18 murders in 24 hours: Inside the most violent day in 60 years in Chicago”, Chicago Sun Times, 06/08/2020, https://chicago.suntimes.com/crime/2020/6/8/21281998/chicago-violence-murder-history-homicide-police-crime
[v] AP NEWS AGENCY, “Nearly a dozen deaths tied to continuing unrest in US”, Aljazeera, 06/03/2020, https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2020/06/dozen-deaths-tied-ongoing-unrest-200603162256559.html
[vi] “Sister Of Federal Guard Killed In Oakland Tells Congress ‘He Did Not Deserve To Die’”, CBS San Francisco Bay Area, 06/10/2020, https://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2020/06/10/sister-of-patrick-underwood-federal-guard-killed-in-oakland-tells-congress-he-did-not-deserve-to-die/
[vii] Kim Bell, “Retired police captain shot to death at St. Louis pawn shop in slaying caught on Facebook Live”, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 06/03/2020, https://www.stltoday.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/retired-police-captain-shot-to-death-at-st-louis-pawn-shop-in-slaying-caught-on/article_d482138c-0224-5393-bd87-9898bebb3fd1.html
[viii] Marc A. Thiessen, “The deaths that don’t fit the ‘defund the police’ narrative”, Washington Post, 06/09/2020, https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2020/06/09/deaths-that-dont-fit-defund-police-narrative/
[ix] Caitlin Dickerson, “‘Please, I Don’t Have Insurance’: Businesses Plead With Protesters”, 05/31/2020, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/31/us/minneapolis-protests-business-looting.html
[x] Anthony A. Braga and Rod K. Brunson, “The Police and Public Discourse on “Black-on-Black” Violence” in New Perspectives in Policing from the Harvard Kennedy School, May 2015 https://www.hks.harvard.edu/sites/default/files/centers/wiener/programs/pcj/files/PoliceandPublicDiscourseBlackonBlackViolence.pdf
[xi] Matthew Cella and Alan Neuhauser, “Race and Homicide in America, by the Numbers”, US News and World Report, 09/29/2016, https://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2016-09-29/race-and-homicide-in-america-by-the-numbers
[xii] KFF.org, “Reported Legal Abortions by Race of Woman Who Obtained Abortion by the State of Occurrence”, https://www.kff.org/womens-health-policy/state-indicator/abortions-by-race/?currentTimeframe=0&sortModel=%7B%22colId%22:%22Location%22,%22sort%22:%22asc%22%7D
[xiii] Walt Blackman, “Abortion: The overlooked tragedy for black Americans”, AZ Capitol Times, 02/25/2020, https://azcapitoltimes.com/news/2020/02/25/abortion-the-overlooked-tragedy-for-black-americans/
[xiv] Oxford Reference, “Joseph Stalin 1879–1953, Soviet dictator”, https://www.oxfordreference.com/view/10.1093/acref/9780191826719.001.0001/q-oro-ed4-00010383
[xv] Statista, “Number of people shot to death by the police in the United States from 2017 to 2020, by race”, Published by Statista Research Department, Jun 5, 2020, https://www.statista.com/statistics/585152/people-shot-to-death-by-us-police-by-race/
[xvi] Hiram Reisner, “Opinion: Black Lives Matter rhetoric doesn’t match facts on police violence”, HOUMA Today, 06/10/2020, https://www.houmatoday.com/opinion/20200610/opinion-black-lives-matter-rhetoric-doesnt-match-facts-on-police-violence
[xvii] Chad Sanders, “I Don’t Need ‘Love’ Texts From My White Friends”, The New York Times, 06/05/2020, https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/05/opinion/whites-anti-blackness-protests.html
[xviii] Emily Mermell, “5 Revolutionary Black Lawyers That Changed America”, Law Preview, Last Updated 02/05/2020, https://lawpreview.barbri.com/revolutionary-black-lawyers/

Thursday, February 20, 2020

Victimhood is NEVER empowering!

I'm going to share my story in the hopes that it might help someone else out there. Everyone's situation is different but my hope is that sharing my story will help someone else figure out their own path to overcoming anxiety. This is not an easy thing to do as being vulnerable is difficult for me. I have no wish to be seen as a victim.  I also realize that if certain friends or members of my family read this, it will upset them, but helping others is important to me so I hope they will understand.

I grew up in a home with dysfunction. Thick layers of it. There was, at least for me, emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. "Stupid, ugly, worthless" was thrown around frequently and that's what I believed about myself. When you hear that, it affects not only the way you see yourself but how your brain is wired. Waking up with a feeling of "what hell am I in for today" was my daily experience.

I had my first panic attack, that I remember, at about 13 or 14. I was swimming in a meet and completely broke down while I was in the pool. I couldn't even finish my event. It was pretty embarrassing as it happened in front of all my friends. Anyone who has had an attack in public can relate. It was pretty awful.

By the time I turned 18, I had had enough. I ran away from home. I packed up all my stuff and left while my parents were at work. My mom was shocked. She tried everything under the sun to get me to move back home. This included lying to me about a possible cancer diagnosis (this kind of behavior was common for her). I bunked with a friend for a couple of months while I paid some bills and got myself together as best I could. Then I moved east. My Dad and step-mom, Sherry took me in. I was a hot mess, to say the least.

It wasn't too much longer until I met the love of my life, Jay. We got engaged quickly and married a year later. So I dragged all that baggage into my marriage. I didn't even realize it was baggage. I honestly felt like I had put it all behind me - but I was very wrong. We started having children very quickly and we now have 6. The older kids, unfortunately, had to watch me slowly unravel.

See, when you don't face the ugly stuff from your past, it just hangs on.

I had struggled with crippling anger for years. I didn't know why. I didn't understand. I had a loving husband who wanted nothing but to see me happy and 6 beautiful kids. Why was I still waking up to the dread every day? Why was I going to bed, night after night, feeling like I had failed everyone in my life? Well, those old voices were still there. Nothing I ever did was right. Everything was tinged with failure and worthlessness. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried to shut it out, Mom and Bernie's voices were there, reminding me that nothing I ever did was good enough nor would it ever be.

In addition to this, the church we were attending at the time emphasized the fact that if you struggled with depression or anxiety, it was caused by you and you alone. Looking back at your childhood or any abuse in your past was a cop-out. Going to a psychiatrist or a psychologist was an absolute no-no. So, I got a prescription for anti-anxiety meds and started drinking. I hid this from everyone except my family. I felt overwhelming guilt over it but I also felt very stuck. I figured this was my life now. Just accept it and keep going.

When my oldest girls were teenagers, I got a call that Bernie, my primary abuser, was dying. I completely fell apart. Not because we were close or there was any love lost between us. Everything he had done to me started to come to the surface. Every abusive word, every nasty comment, all of it. I knew I had to face it but I just couldn't. So I started drinking more. Now I have Xanax, alcohol, and sleep meds in my system. It was an ugly combination.

I stopped going to church because I felt I couldn't handle the shame and guilt anymore. I prayed I wouldn't run into anyone from church while I was out. People that I had known for years pulled away from me which made things worse. Our marriage was starting to struggle, the last thing I wanted to happen. My girls were angry at me. They had tried to warn me. They told me if I didn't stop my destructive behavior, I would spiral out of control but I wasn't ready to listen. I was failing at everything.

After Bernie passed away, I knew things had to change. I couldn't avoid facing the past anymore. I could have ignored it, pushed it back down, tried to forget it but God wasn't going to let that happen this time.

So, one memory at a time I confronted it and put it behind me. This was a long, very painful process. My husband spent 2 years patiently listening to all of it, in spite of the fact that I wasn't even sure I wanted to be married. He helped me unravel everything and rewire my thinking. He looked up articles on dealing with PTSD. He was right by my side through the whole process, not only helping me but holding our relationship together.

Once I had started this process, I also started to put more focus on my relationship with God. I started reading my bible almost every day. In the process, God kept bringing more and more memories to the surface. One by one, every one of those bad memories and the bad wiring was completely remade.
A few years later, we moved south, away from all those toxic relationships. I really felt like I could start over. New people, new relationships. No one had to know about my struggles unless I chose to tell them.

Very soon after this, I discovered that the Xanax was no longer going to be an option. Coming off of it was something we had discussed but now I knew I had to do it. Weaning myself off of the meds was the hardest thing I've ever done. The withdrawal process was pretty awful.

One thing I did shortly after we moved was to a small Crossfit gym. This was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I grew close to the people there and they took me in. It became my 2nd home and my 2nd family. They made me feel worthwhile and like I could accomplish anything. They checked on me, made sure I was coming in regularly and made sure I was staying sane through the process. These people are amazing and I don't know what I would have done without them.

When I was finally off of the meds, I felt free. The daily fatigue was gone. The side effects, which I had become numb to, were also gone. So were the panic attacks. I started to realize, probably for the first time in my life how a normal brain was supposed to function. My emotions normalized, a new experience for me. I started exercising, even more, and setting goals that were only for me and accomplishing them. I cleaned up my diet. I realized that there were A LOT of things that I shouldn't be eating. There is definitely a connection between the gut and the brain. I really hope that more people will realize this and make changes to improve their lives.

My whole life is so much better now that I'm not tethered to external things to get through my daily life.

For too many years, I saw myself as a victim but what God showed me was that victimhood is not empowerment. Victimhood might get you some pity which will feel good temporarily. When the pity runs out, you have to get another hit, so it perpetuates itself. Victimhood is weakness and doesn't heal anything. It drags the problem out and makes it worse.

I am an overcomer and a conqueror.
God meant for us to be "more than conquerors" because he loves us.
Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.
If you are fighting the good fight, press on. Believe me, it's completely worth it!

Saturday, February 16, 2019

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.

Some people might consider this a political post. I do not. This is good vs. evil.

Here goes...
All this hubbub about blackface is just to cover up the real abortion agenda.

Consider the timing. Shortly after 2 bills justifying infanticide come to light (one passed, the other didn't..yet) and the Governor of VA comes right out and admits what abortion actually is, the murder of a baby, scandalous pictures of him some 30 yrs ago suddenly surface and the media and social networks go completely crazy. Looks awfully fishy to me.

So now the debate becomes: which is worse? Racism or abortion?

According to the media, social networking sites, college professors and young people, nothing on earth could ever, EVER be worse than racism.

Now, I AM NOT justifying racism, blackface or dressing up in a KKK costume. Racism is one of the worst things that man ever came up with. It goes back to the creation of man. Jews have been marginalized for their entire existence. People will always find a way to hate other people but hating someone for their skin color or heritage is just plain evil. I've been accused of being a racist (and a sexist, homophobe, transphobe, blah, blah blah). There's obviously no way to prove that I am. I just disagreed with someone's opinion on an issue which is reason enough to call me names, I suppose. Racism has been redefined to mean anything you want it to mean.  It is an issue with the heart and mind just like any other kind of hatred. It's wrong. Nothing will ever change that.

However, we now have at least 3 generations who have grown up in a world where abortion is just accepted law. We've been boiled like the proverbial frog. At first, it was supposed to be safe, legal and rare. No one even discussed 3rd trimester or even 2nd-trimester abortions.
Fast forward a few years. Now second-trimester abortions are as widely accepted as 1st. This, despite sonogram technology, proving that it is actually a person in there. Where are we now? Babies as young as 20 wks can be saved. In utero surgery is possible. 4D sonograms are commonly done. Obviously, that's a baby. But "Shout your abortion" is also happening. Women who wish they could have one (See Lena Dunham) also exist.

Why am I tying these issues together? Because you are being lied to by the media.

Obviously, real racism has no place in our society. I'm not talking about telling jokes or banter between friends. I'm talking about the real heart and mind problem. At times in our history as a country and other countries, racism has been used to murder. But it rarely happens in the US anymore. Yes, I know there are examples so you don't need to point that out.

Now, let's contrast that with the number of abortions in just one day in the US.

"In the USA, where nearly half of pregnancies are unintended and four in 10 of these are terminated by abortion [1] , there are over 3,000 abortions per day. Twenty-two percent of all pregnancies in the USA (excluding miscarriages) end in abortion."[2]" http://www.worldometers.info/abortions/

Also because someone will ask or comment -
According the the CDC:
  • About 15,000 abortions are attributed to rape and incest — representing 1.5 percent of all abortions.

There's really no comparison.

No one, NO ONE, wants to talk about abortion. Why? Because deep down, we all know it's wrong. We all know that it's not a 'woman's right to choose' or 'her body'. It makes us all uncomfortable and is therefore hard to discuss. So, the media has generated a discussion about racism so we don't have to. We all agree that racism is wrong. It causes outrage and stirs up emotions and rightfully so. As far as they're concerned, racism is sexy. It gets 'views' and 'clicks'. Abortion is not sexy. They know it's wrong but we don't want to have that discussion. Not now, not ever. If it comes up, please change the subject as soon as humanly possible.

As evil as the NY abortion bill and the proposed VA bill are, they threw the spotlight on it. They revealed what's really going on in abortion clinics. The cat's out of the bag, Y'all. We can all continue to pretend we don't know but hiding won't work anymore.

Sidenote - I never said girls who seek out abortions are evil. I spent some time counseling girls in a crisis pregnancy center. Some wanted the baby, some needed options, some were determined to go through with the abortion no matter what I said or did. I loved them all. If a girl is seeking an abortion, she's obviously in a desperate place. I don't hate anyone who has gone through it. If you've been there, I'm here for you, judgment-free. But if you find yourself there again, please consider other options. There are so many!

If you are a racist these days, you're just an idiot. If you attack someone either verbally or physically because of their race, you are ignorant and evil. There's no excuse for it.

But please, I'm begging you, don't let social network sites and the media shift the discussion we should all be having. Don't let them dictate what's important. We need to talk about abortion. We need to, in light of all the current technology and knowledge we've accumulated since it was legalized, talk about what we are doing to ourselves as a nation by continuing this practice in the US.

We need to talk.


Monday, March 05, 2018

Don't let your kids or your career eat your marriage


Let me start by saying I'm not a licensed marriage counselor. I have a very small amount of counseling training (most of which I've forgotten) so I HOPE what I'm sharing will help you out.

I have, however, been married for almost 30 years if that gives any backbone to what I'm saying.

Marital bliss? Ha! No.
Is it perfect? Are you kidding me?
All romance? I have 6 kids. I homeschooled them. They have been with me 24/7/365 for almost all of that 30 years. You figure it out.

Marriage is not that easy nor is it supposed to be. You, a flawed human being, have attached yourself to another flawed human being. And then you proceed to create or adopt a bunch of smaller flawed human beings who can be downright feral at times.

It's messy.

It's also awesome if you work at it. It can be the best thing on earth. But work you must.

Here are 2 things that have made an enormous difference in our marriage.

The marriage mirror --

We all have mirrors. We walk around with them. Ladies, we do this more than the guys do. We're always checking ourselves out. Is the hair a mess? Is my makeup running? Do my sox match? Is my shirt on backwards/inside out? These are more mom questions than dad questions. Can't tell you how many times I left the house with something turned around. But we also use these mirrors to talk to ourselves. It's super important to have a good self-image. To look in that mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful or handsome, worth it, and productive is important. We also need to know where we need to improve. Here's the question -- when you hold that mirror, your mirror that you just gave yourself a bunch of compliments in front of, up to your spouse, what do you see? Do you see more flaws than perfections? It's super easy to look at the person you live with, day in and day out and focus on the fact that they didn't help you out around the house. They're still carrying around that extra 10 pounds they promised they would lose. They handle the kids differently than you do.
But what if you stopped that train and replaced all of that with what they're doing RIGHT?

Here's an example from my own life.

Because the love of my life has struggled with some injuries, he hasn't been able to exercise consistently. He also works 9+ hrs a day and helps me out when he can. Admittedly, he's not in tip-top shape right now. I, on the other hand, am in the best shape of my life. Now, I could easily judge him and be frustrated about all this. I could turn my mirror on him and point out all the flaws. But then I remember -- after I was finished having babies, I weighed in at 235. I'm not a very big person so for me that was grossly overweight. But he never said anything about it. He kept telling me I was beautiful despite the fact that I knew I looked like the Michelin tire-woman. He's also done this continuously for all 30 yrs. So, rather than nag, or let this upset me, I do the same for him. The more I say it, the more I believe it. I really do have the best looking, sexiest husband on earth.

So what do you see? When you turn the mirror on your spouse, do you only see the bad things? It's easy to do. Believe me, I know. Time to stop that destructive pattern. Sit down and make a list of what they do to love you. When you are tempted to say something nasty, replace it with something on that list. It won't take long before you see them in a whole new light.

Point two. Don't stop dating!!

"You two still date? That's so cute!"
No. It's not. It's absolutely vital to keeping our relationship alive.

"Don't marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without."

Awww...sounds so sweet, doesn't it? All romantic and mushy.
But it's only half true. You have to have both.
I can't imagine my life without Jay. But I also have to live with him and he has to live with me. Every day, day in, day out.

That gushy romantic feeling will come and go. It takes real work to keep it alive.  But, what about the nit-picky, gross stuff? Does he have bad breath when he wakes up? Do you leave a hair monster in the shower? Does he rinse his dishes after he eats? Is your beautifying mess all over the bathroom?
Can you live with all of that?

What does this have to do with dating, for crying out loud??

Well, most of us started our relationships this way. There was communication. It's where you were figuring each other out. Trying to decide if you could live with this person for the rest of your life.

Now you're together all the time. So why is it important?

Most of us married people have at least a couple of rug rats or careers. It would be super easy to throw ourselves into their lives or let our jobs consume us and forget about the other person. Sometimes, it might be necessary. But it shouldn't be the norm. The cold hard truth is, we're raising them to leave us and we will retire. At least that should be the goal. Look, I'm not one of these moms who weeps over the fact that my kids will move out. I'm counting the days! Jay and I, hopefully, raised them to be self-sufficient, independent adults who will be movers and shakers. I WANT them to go, make lives for themselves and be productive.

Continuing to date your spouse is insurance that you can keep living together after the kids are gone or retirement comes and it's just you two.  When the last kid moves out, you don't want to sit across the table from the person you love and discover that you don't LIKE them too. Setting time aside once a week or once every couple of weeks to just be together is absolutely necessary.
Now I'm not talking about fancy expensive dinners or even romantic evenings with flowers. That's nice sometimes but not always practical. Sometimes our date nights are just running errands, getting a beer, or walking on the beach. Sometimes we check into a hotel room and come back the next morning. Sometimes we fight. But the point is, this is where the communication happens. This is where we're just us with no kids and jobs. This is where we discover that, yes, we do like each other. Even though we might continue to change as people, I know that we'll be fine. Better than fine. I REALLY like this guy I live with.

Look, I have no idea where you are in your marriage journey. Maybe you're newlyweds. Maybe you have a couple of little ones and even getting clean is a challenge. Maybe you have a houseful of teens and it's just constant drama. Or maybe you're an old married couple like us and you're just trying to get them OUT of your house. Whatever season you're in, your spouse should always be your #1 priority. Why? The kids will leave. Your career will end. You committed to your significant other first. You're not going to hurt your kids by working on your marriage. As a matter of fact, you'll be helping them. They will feel more secure and loved knowing Mom and Dad are completely committed to the very end.

Friday, August 18, 2017

This has got to STOP!

What happened in Charlottesville last weekend was tragic and heartbreaking on so many levels. We all saw the ugliest side of human nature. So much hatred on both sides not to mention the multiple injuries and the death of a young woman.

What led to all of this? I have a couple of theories.

There's a group of people that want to completely alter or even erase our history. This is so wrong on so many levels. This country has a colorful history just like any other country. But there's certainly more to admire and honor than to diminish and forget. The way the native Americans were treated was awful. Slavery was certainly a black eye. Segregation was a stain. But the thing is, we moved past it. Native Americans are now, for the most part, integrated into society. We were the only country in the world to fight a war on our own soil, pitting neighbor against neighbor and brother against brother, to free the slaves and unite us as a country. No other country on earth did that. Slavery was so despicable that men fought and died to stop it. Slavery still exists in a lot of countries. Where's the outrage? Our slavery ended 150 years ago. Give it up, folks. Segregation was ended by the races joining hands, literally and figuratively, and making it happen. Unfortunately, there are some schools and colleges trying to bring it back. They've forgotten our history.

That brings me to my second theory. We have an entire generation or more that has been taught that socialism is cool. Communism is just another political movement and completely legitimate. The history books have scrubbed them all up and made them nice and shiny. You want a good example of socialism? Take a look at Venezuela. -- http://www.latimes.com/world/la-fg-venezuela-unrest-pictures-20170504-htmlstory.html
This is how socialism ends EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME. Without exception. I've studied it extensively. There is no other outcome. Think it looks pretty in Canada? Their tax rate in Ottowa is 53% and their healthcare system is one of the worst. They have no freedom of speech. They can't protect themselves. At this point, I believe a terror attack is inevitable. They've spent so much on social programs, they won't be able to defend themselves. In Iceland, they've all but eliminated Down Syndrome babies. How? Abortion of course!

Think communism is just as valid as any other political movement? Communism killed 94 million people in the 20th century. This continues today in North Korea. Think they're the outlier? Wrong. The methods they use have been used to control people for well over a century. China still has a one child policy and forced abortions. Cuba is poverty ridden. But communism is so cool. Let's all grab that Soviet flag and a Che t-shirt because it's so trendy. You look so rebellious. Now let's go beat the hell out of people that disagree with us!

Neither one of these philosophies has any place in our country. You can't polish a turd. The schools these days are certainly trying. But it won't work. There are too many of us out here who know the truth and won't shut up.

Here's the thing. This country has its fair share of scars and flaws. But think of that person in your life that you love. Could be a friend, spouse, parent, child, whoever. Are they completely perfect? Of course not. Maybe they have scars. Maybe they're damaged mentally and emotionally. Maybe they're chronically ill. Whatever it is, do you dump them or want to destroy them? Of course not. You try to help them and still love them. It's the same with our country. The good definitely outweighs the bad. We can come together when we need to. When tragedy strikes, we pull together and help each other get through it. When the Olympics rolls around, we cheer together as a nation. This is the country I love.

What purpose does destroying or altering our history really serve? Where does it end? When every monument is destroyed? When every sacred place is trampled? For some people, nothing will ever be enough.

Time to stop. Take a look around. There's more to value than hate.




Thursday, November 05, 2015

Don't you want me to be happy??

There's a lot of political stuff I could talk about but this has been on my mind for a while. I know it will continue to pop into my head until I write about it so here goes.


The battle cry of millennials and liberals everywhere. We have a right to be happy.  Kids use this one all the time.
"Why can't I (fill in the blank)....DON'T YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY?"


This is purely manipulative. It's about as bad as "Don't you trust me?" which is code for I'm about to go put myself in a dangerous/stupid situation but you can trust ME to do the right thing, Mom.


Right..


But back to my original, philosophical point. Do I want my kids, husband, family to be happy? Well, maybe... But what does it really mean? What does 'happy' mean in this context?


Let's start with some basic definitions.
Happiness is generally a feeling. It's also temporary most of the time like all other feelings. I can feel happy several times a day and usually do. My kids laughter, my husband getting home from work, a phone call from my parents just to hear my voice, a really tough workout. All these things make me feel happy. But I can go from happy to sad or frustrated pretty quickly. When my kids are fighting and I want to knock their heads together, when I'm fighting with my husband, etc. My point is happiness can be and usually is temporary. It comes and goes.


Joy is something different altogether. It's something deeper. It isn't based on basic human emotion. It can be much more constant and isn't even based on whether you are happy or not. I know. It sounds contradictory but let me explain.


Joy is something that can characterize your life on a daily basis no matter what else is going on. My kids give me great joy every day and have since they were born. I'm so overwhelmed that I get to be their mom. Being married to a really great man gives me joy. Being a grandmother to the cutest baby ever gives me endless joy. But whether I'm happy or not can change from minute to minute. (Hey, I'm a woman. It happens.)


See where I'm going here?


Here's the thing. Happiness can be based on lots of changeable things in your life. Lots of things can make you feel temporarily happy.  Some good, some bad. Being with your friends can make you feel happy. So can getting drunk. Being married to the right person can make you happy. So can having an affair. A good, spirited debate can make you happy. So can screaming at someone or teasing them.


See what I mean?


"I just want my kids to be happy." This is a trap. What it really means is I want my kids to move from one thing to the next as long as they can maintain that temporary feeling of happiness and that's exactly what they will do. It's what we all do sometimes but kids are particularly vulnerable to this.
What if being happy means moving from one temporary relationship to the next? Will the love, affection and sex make them happy? Sure. But there will be a lot of heartbreak in between. A lot of anger and bitterness mixed in too. What if being happy is based on drinking every weekend? Will you feel happy while you're drunk? Probably. Maybe. You'll also deal with hangovers, lost memories, possible drunk driving charges. "But as long as YOU are happy" What if shopping makes me happy?
That is definitely a temporary feeling. Yeah! I have new stuff. But that's worn off so now I need more new stuff.


I hope you get the point here.


If someone asks me if I want my kids my kids to be happy, I have some questions first. Happy based on what? Getting whatever they want? Feeling good about themselves all the time? Pursuing an immoral lifestyle? Then my answer is emphatically NO. I want my kids to feel happiness just like anyone else. But not based on giving up their moral backbone. Not at the expense of their ethics.


What I want for the people I love is to experience joy. In other words, something long lasting and immovable. Something based on real things, real accomplishments, the fact that God loves them unconditionally. These things are undeniable. They don't change.


Happiness is incredibly temporary. It changes based on your temporary circumstances.
It can also be brought on by doing incredibly dangerous and stupid things. Your pursuit of your own happiness and hang the consequences can hurt those around you and eventually yourself.


So..do I want my kids to be happy? Honestly, it depends. I'd much rather see them joyful from day to day, year to year for their entire lifetime based on living a good, moral, Godly life than temporarily
happy based on pursuing from moment to moment what makes them feel good.


Joy can be permanent if you pursue it. It's a much better pursuit than temporarily feeling happy.
Be joyful all the time and happy some of the time. It's a much better lifestyle.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Follow the bouncing liberal "logic"

I'm going to give an example of some stunning liberal logic here. Try to follow along. It does bounce all over the place.

So there's a new campaign out there called #Freethenipple. I'm not kidding. Look it up. The ridiculous premise is that if men can go shirtless, women should be able to do the same because of "equality". This is what prompted the topless protest in NY a few weeks ago. Yes, ladies. If you want to let it all hang out, go ahead. If a man looks at you in a sexual way (which they will do, being men and all) shame on them! Boobs aren't sexual! (actual quote).

Here's the other end of this liberal "logic".

We should all support the manufacturers of gender-free clothing. Either shapeless clothing that doesn't reveal any kind of figure or dressing like the opposite sex. We shouldn't force children into molds that reinforce what gender they were born with. No one should know my gender based on my clothing. Judge me as a person! Not a girl! Or any of the other 50 gender choices.

So, which is it? Or is it both depending on how I feel today? I'm so confused.

But what if you are a feminist? Do I love being a woman? Or do I reject my womanness and become gender free??

Oh boy.

So according to the liberal logic, men and women are not supposed to look at each other in a sexual way. If you do, you've got a problem. Or you better have gotten written consent to do so first.

Side note: a good many schools these days are teaching sex ed at younger and younger ages. Not just the mechanics. Details, positions, I know this for a fact because a school system in our area started this years ago despite parental objection. Then when these children become hormone-ridden teenagers, they're supposed to stop looking at each other as sex objects. Men are supposed to obtain written consent before looking or touching. If you don't, you're part of the newly minted "rape culture".  No wonder there are so many confused kids out there.

Here's some real logic for you.

Whether you believe in evolution or creation, we all got here somehow. We are men and women. It's in our DNA when we're born. Evolution says men will be attracted to women with a shape. That shape was given to us to carry babies. Not all women have babies. Some women can't. But most of us fall into the childbearing category. We have boobs. We have them to feed our children. Men like them. They have evolved to do so. Or God made them that way. Eve was gorgeous. Trust me. Adam loved every inch of her. In order to change these things, we would have to change the very nature of how we were made. We can take all kinds of steps to change the outer shell, but the insides stay the same. Rejecting our gender is a new kind of crazy. This won't end well.

Side note: man nipples are not made to feed babies.  They can't do it. So doesn't that show that there is a gender difference?  Quite a big one, in fact.

This crap isn't equality. It's insanity. I'm not going to run around naked. You're welcome. Nor will I buy clothing that hides my shape. I spend hours, HOURS, at the gym every week and work very hard to stay in shape. A woman's shape. I have too much respect for myself and others to run around shirtless. I do love a beautiful dress with a low neckline. I appreciate that other men find me attractive. No gender free clothing for me. I love being a woman. My husband makes me feel womanly. I'm not ashamed of it or oppressed by it. Only when we fully accept who we are will there be equality. There's the real logic.

You want equality? Let me be a woman with no shame. Let my girls be women without shame. Let my husband, sons, Dad, and brothers be men without shame. Don't ask me to reject the very nature of who I am and suppress my feminity or the men in my life to suppress their masculinity. Let men be men and women be women. Let each of us be who we were truly made to be, whether by God or by nature.